The Peculiar Case of the Missing Mondrian by K.J. Heritage

Author:K.J. Heritage [Heritage, K.J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Mystery, heist, locked room mystery, comedy, satire, thriller
Publisher: K.J. Heritage
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

“Eff off Harve!”

“But why? Wot’ve I done?”

“And you can lose that ridiculous accent, innit? I always knew it was fake.”

“That’s just not true, Monty,” Harve replied, his East End accent even thicker than before.

“Just effin’ stop it, okay! Just stop it!”

Harve sighed. “Alright,” Harve said, his accent now gone. “But I only did it to please you.”

“Yeah, well that doesn’t matter anymore. I want you to eff off and I want you to eff off now!”

The other punters in the small and cosy The Very Large Lizard bar watched with a mixture of amusement and naked self-interest. Harve was quite a catch, and many had been envious of Monty’s beau when they had loudly entered the bar a short while ago.

The Very Large Lizard had been gay since the early 70s, as evidenced by a photo-wall of gay activism featuring marches, Stonewall, rainbow flags and Pride. As well as its fair share of sequins, glitter and feathers. Back in the day, it had been seen as a den of iniquity and drug-taking, and had been raided by the police many times, but by today’s standards, the bar had been nothing more than a very tame meeting and drinking place for like-minded individuals. The place had a slightly run down and a vaguely sad air, like a deflated, tinsel covered party balloon.

“I’ve been suckered once by an S.O.B,” Monty spat. “I won’t be suckered a second time, especially by a two-bit conman like you.”

“But Mont’, let me explain.”

“Explain what? About why you’ve got a girlfriend?”

This raised a few intakes of breath and a chorus of oohs from the audience of punters.

“I was going to tell you, Mont’. I promise. It was all her idea. I didn’t want to go through with it. I hated every moment of it.”

“I bet you did!”

“You know what I mean. And look, I’m still here with you, even though I know you’ve lost everything. Why else would I stay if I didn’t have feelings for you? If I was really such a bad-hat, why would I do that? Why would I stay with a loser?”

“A what? Innit? You’re calling me a an effin’ loser? How dare you, Harve! How dare you! Just eff off. Eff off out of my effin’ sight!”

“But Mont’!”

Monty grabbed his gin and tonic that he’d hardly taken a sip of since they arrived and threw it in Harve’s face, causing a chorus of gasps from the audience at the bar.

Harve wiped his face, grabbed his coat, and left.

“What are you all looking at? You never seen a loser before!” Monty said.

The audience at the bar hastily turned back to their drinks.

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